Memento Mori

Thoughts about death. What else is new? I'll try and post something a little cheerier soonish.

A couple of weeks ago we had a session focusing on what was euphemistically called "the end-of-life experience". Several palliative care doctors came in to discuss the problems and taboos surrounding death. We spent a lot of time thinking about why it is that doctors tend to be uncomfortable with a patient who is quite definitely not going to make it out of this one.

Though this session was supposed to help us make better, stronger decisions as physicians, it helped me make sense of some issues that have been bothering me for a long time. When my grandmother was dying in hospital, and again when my mother's foster sister was dying two years ago, my mother's grieving was definitely not helped by the chipper, cheery, "what-are-you-talking-about-she's-going-to-be-fine" attitude that the doctors took. Nor was she helped by the doctors' insistence on invasive tests and treatments that were a) not very helpful and b) which negated her mother and sister's acceptance that they were going to die. The doctors and nurses, by refusing to accept death, made the process much harder than it had to be. My mom is convinced that the pain and fear that her sister felt, going into a painful and pointless liver biopsy, contributed to her not being conscious when her daughter finally arrived from British Columbia. My mother was not there at the time that the physicians decided to do the test. Her sister wasn't really well enough or strong enough to refuse treatment. Maybe this cost her the chance to say goodbye to her daughter. I don't know for sure if that's the case.

Either way...addressing some of the attitudes behind these grievances helped me to put them to rest, so I'm glad of that.

I wish they hadn't referred to death as "the end-of-life experience", though. I don't think that's helping matters.

And then sometimes I think about her. Mostly when I walk through the Clinical Skills building and remember being in the quadrangle next door, watching a tree being planted in her name. I'm always on my way somewhere, sometimes feeling busy and stressed, sometimes doubting that I'm on top of things, sometimes doubting that I'm good enough to be here. (Okay, OFTEN doubting that I'm good enough to be here.) And then I remember her, this med student that I never met and never will, who will never get the chance to walk through this hallway again. Even though, by all rights, these were her hallways to own, to make a mark on.

This has different effects on different days. Sometimes it just adds guilt to whatever else I'm feeling. Other times it makes me straighten up and walk with a bit more confidence, because walking in doubt and fear isn't really a good way to honour this person who meant much to people I care about. I guess it's a bit silly to want to honour someone I really never laid eyes on, but then again -- why should it be?

So this week, while I'm pondering these things, my mother contacts me to tell me that one of her two remaining brothers passed away. My mother had two brothers left (the third died a couple of years ago), one of which has myriad chronic health problems and one of which was taking care of him. Guess which one died?

The story is that he, my aunt, and the ill brother were enjoying Chinese food, and after the ill brother returned home, my aunt offered to make some tea. He said "Put the kettle on, I'll be right back" -- and never returned from the washroom. Sudden cardiac death, probably from an arrhythmia. He'd had some left bundle-branch problems a couple of years back, but had been fine recently.

My aunt says that when she went to check on him, he was slumped on the floor, his eyes wide open and staring. She had heard not a peep since he said he'd be right back.

I have to say -- I'm used to people in my family dying. I'm just not used to them dying on such short notice. Typically there are issues: nurses, bedpans, Ensure milkshakes, wilting plants on bedside tables, IV stands, tears in waiting rooms, constant low-level fluorescent lighting. This time it's just an e-mail from my mother. I'm heading to the funeral on Friday and maybe by then I'll believe that he's dead.

I'm sorry if this entry is depressing! It's just two topics I've wanted to blog about for a bit that happened to dovetail nicely with this week's events. If you're feeling depressed now, I highly recommend www.cuteoverload.com...:)

~izzy

Mighty Fine Anatomy

I just got back from an hour in the anatomy lab, and I have to say: I didn't realize how much I missed it. Of course, this is a step up from the second year course, since we have the experience of actual dissection, instead of just looking at prosections. But I can't quite describe the experience of opening up the dura mater and seeing the spinal cord and cauda equina up close and personal. Sorry. But it's cool. I'm really glad that I get to do anatomy again, and that we'll get to do anatomy in second year as well under the new curriculum. For a few moments, right now, I feel the drive to study hard and learn everything I can about the human body, to honour the donors' gift. I'm not at all sure how long that will last. I hope for awhile. I can't imagine what it takes to allow your body to be cut, poked and prodded, inside and out, for two years, by less-than-knowledgeable students (although we will be knowledgeable by the end). I am very grateful, and I don't want to lose that gratitude.

Why doesn't anyone ever STOP me?

Yesterday, I was walking down the hall in MedSci, and there was this huge collection of broken-down and cut-up cardboard boxes, most of them a bit taller than me. Well, this whole class-musical-director thing has gone to my head, I guess, but I just saw -- SETS! And, because I'm a bit crazy, and because I happened to be with two individuals that I'll term 'enablers of insanity', I "rescued" a metric crapload of the cardboard and stashed it in the lounge while I figured out how to get it back to my apartment (and indeed where to put it once I got it there). Finally, with the aid of a guy in my class with a van, I got it all back to my place...and then with the aid of my roommate, got it all stashed under my bed/in my closet/in the storage room. In other words, I owe a lot of people, and we have the raw materials for sets, for free!

No, we're not building sets till April...why do you ask?

Weather

I need to invest in an umbrella.

Or maybe an ark.

Stupid rain.

~isolde